Life is strange… I believe!! Stranger than fiction sometimes..
I am writing a blog after a long time.. Many of my friends did encourage me to write a blog many a times but somehow something / nothing inspired me enough to write a blog.. Maybe because from the outside I am very jovial but inside I am a very emotional person and I did not want people to get to that side of me. Yes, I do not intend to sound like a depressed soul.. no, thats not my intention at all..
Today, something about a conversation I had with a friend changed that for me.. I always complained I do not have a good topic to write a blog on.. Because, for me what is important is not just to write / its important for me to have a natural flow of thoughts. Today I felt I must write about a state of mind that everyone at some point goes through. Maybe it could help someone / maybe me, in someway!!!
Well, to begin with I would say, I have been looking for love all my life... My topic comes from this context.
All my life I have felt I am alone and there is no one who can understand what I am feeling / going through. When I was younger, I had a different definition of who a friend is . I remember infact in my slam book back in school I have defined a friend as “ One who is only yours “ Well that was back then , when I felt I have no true friends to care and share. I was a very subdued and a quite child, kept always to myselfand all the pain inside of me was expressed only through my tears. Well that was my idea about a friend! I also had a picture of that someone special., my hero, who would wipe away all my tears and fill my heart with joy!
Fortunately, as I grew up, this definition took a new meaning and my new definition stood as “ A person whom you feel good with and who likes you as much as you do”
Precisely, I have spent my childhood being lonely and I hate that feeling now as I have grown up. I have always wished to be surrounded with friends and have a large group , but somehow I never get there! For me, I am still an introvert at home, with family, but over the years THANK GOD I have become someone, who can strike a casual conversation with a stranger too, quite easily and put the other person at complete ease .Yet only my friends know of me as this jovial & fun loving girl and they know, they can share anything with me and yet I wont make them small or wrong.
I am glad I do have that quality which allows me to be vulnerable and allows others to be vulnerable with me .. So, coming back to the topic of Loneliness, which is nothing but just a state of being, I have never felt so lonely in all my life, even though I have many of my friends who have been so kind and considerate to help me go through my rough state of being.
Well I am sure everyone has gone through this state at some point in their life. So, they would know where I am coming from. Even if there are million people around you, you just feel so empty inside, so hollow, as if a part of you is missing, it kills you slowly from within . And when you really need someone to talk to / express your deeper feelings , you have noone!!You Quietly hope the missing part will be replaced, you wait endlessly , but in vain. You know you have to go through the pain all by yourself, you very well know that but feel so sorry for yourself , and then a part of you either melts you or becomes hardened.
Unfortunately the only person who can full up that space is the person who got you there, or even sometimes someone better than that! Whats more painful is, there may be a number of people in your life who really want to be with you as that someone special, but you just dont feel the same with the new person, and its not your fault :( Even worse is when those people who you expect would understand and support you through back off!! .. Oh !! the scar will never be erased easily! Yet time is the best healer of pain they say!
Irony of life is, you never get what you want and yet sometimes, you love some things which you never wanted to have to begin with. Why does it become so important to be loved, cared and understood? Why can it not be enough if you have friends around you who could do just the same? Why? Why do we long for someone to love us just the way we are and not expect us to change and love us unconditionally. The person who you can shower your love on, is the same person who has the capacity to destroy you from within completely, then why do we long for such a person who will take control of our feelings and emotions , to build a dream and a future ? Why? Whereas friends how ever close they are, don’t have such a power to destroy you!!
Love has immense power to engulf you into sorrow where, the pain is excrutiating and it also has the power to make you the happiest person . Its true!! The world runs on love! It’s a fierce feeling with the highest intensity on the face of this planet, I believe!! Everyone needs love. Love is the only primary force that drives anyone!! Yet we tend to take it too light.. Yet no dictionary or no human can actually answer the question of what really LOVE is!!
But yes… Life is a full circle!! You win some and you lose some. All you could do is just hold on tight and just wait and watch .. One day, Love will blossom if that is what you really want and when you know you have that love with you, never lose it for any reason !